yes Aimee went to rehab today and she will be there for 6-8 months. I hope she continues to be optimistic and her support system stays in place. maybe that is what really makes the difference.
looking back it occurs to me that my blog has many entries focused on others without much tie in to myself. with some reflection, really not that much:), it is clear how that has happened. my life has been about others. as a nurse, there is the patient. as a therapist there is the patient and even as a professor/teacher it is about the students. most of us have others in our life that we give our love and support to. mom’s and dad’s have children, spouse’s have likewise, children have parents that may need their care. parenting never ends if you are lucky and then there are the grandchildren.
there has been little time to think about my own situation. situation is an odd word for this, not so odd if it is understood how i refer to my multi-system failure that landed me on life support in ICU as “the event.” it seems tedious to refer to the event in medical terms or what would feel like a bit of melodrama at this point. although when i read of others and their struggles it reinforces my belief that we all have a story. as we go through our day we have a choice to have faith, or spin in uncertainty that can make us suffer beyond our physical self.
recently though I have had things on my mind to write about, however, two things stopped me. one is the awareness of how this blog has changed from its original concept. second, is the awareness that i am not a writer. it’s ok. to know what our gift is, is a blessing. when reading other blogs i am in awe of the creativity and flow of the story. the new goal for me is to remember and follow my true purpose in writing at all. as for the other it is my intent to be ok, really ok, with my limits as a writer. this was never meant to be anything more than a personal blog. future posts may be boring to some who now read my postings. there are so many more interesting people out there. those that become bored please do not feel the need to comment on said boredom.
4 a.m. is a great time to work on the to-do list. by this time any hold out for sleep has passed, time to organize the cd’s or all those pesky plastic storage containers that disappear with the socks in the wash. if that is too much then it is on to the list. the mind boggles at the idea of some who seldom make such a list. it has been my habit for many years and has served me well in general. at the beginning of this journey one way to cope and put things in to perspective was to revert to the list. to my joy this has turned in to a multiple list job. vikto frankyl recommends we find the joy/purpose in our life and we will be able to face even the most devastating circumstances. if it was good enough for this holocaust survivor it seemed good enough for me. as the list has diminished some concern/thoughts turned to a quote stating that is when you know you are done with life. if there is nothing else you want to do (and I am hoping they mean the small things like waking up) then there is a void and death sneaks in to fill it.
it may be purposeful indeed how some items on my list are still outstanding. now after a conversation with my man it occurs to me how I can do something that will bring him joy in years to come. he often says he is not of this era and feels he has been left behind by technology. it would seem geekdom in our family belongs to me. as de-cluttering continues at a snail’s pace, it is apparent the old vhs tapes are not going to be donated and will not be enjoyed in the future unless they are converted to dvd’s. this it seems has made me almost giddy, do you know how long it is going to take to complete this task? I am not the kind of person who walks away from a job not finished and it is such a gift to add this to my dwindling list.
after christmas, sharing information regarding what a caregiver can expect from a terminal loved one is on the list. fascinating that a m.d. would think himself qualified to write this. it is almost laughable, it begins pretty strong and quickly goes downhill. this is not a person who has suffered personal loss. projecting some months to the new project and then there are always holidays, birthdays and …. well the list does go on. one more thing to be grateful for, think I will put it on my list:)
sometimes I ask myself why I am doing this. understanding motivation for behavior is what I did professionally for years. one great thing about working with forensic psychology is learning to accept we do not understand what motivates behavior in every circumstance, that doesn’t stop us from trying though. we want it all in a neat package so we can say I would never do … because I am not that kind of person. well I am here to tell you I never thought I would be sharing my most private thoughts with, whoever reads this. It started harmless enough, thinking of it as a legacy for my loved ones after I am gone so they would know how much i treasured them. however, if what i say over and over in this blog is true don’t they know that? I guess my concern is they may look back and wonder what motivated me to make the choices I have. there will be no chance for questions or for them to understand my choices have been my own and no one else has influenced them.
some decisions have been to donate my body to science, make a living will that prevents artificial life-sustaining devices, to ask for a memorial with music and laughter, along with some others. most of these decisions I believe anyone who knows me can understand. it has helped me to write what I feel as sort of an ongoing dialog with myself regarding these choices. this weekend bill, Kristen and my grandson McGill and grand-daughter Susanna came to visit, it was really for an early father’s day for Chris. heather came up from Atlanta for the afternoon. it was the worst time for me to get sick and so of course I did. a couple of weeks ago I went for a liver scan to rule out liver cancer and I did not get the results until today. thursday night I became ill and by friday was running high fever, lots of other stuff no one needs to read about here, so I made some choices there and then. I don’t regret them and take full responsibility for them. I decided to keep things as normal as possible when they arrived late friday hoping to shake the worst off by the next day. they were going to make early dinner for Chris, and heather brought a great gift for Chris. it was too important for me to not take that time away from any of them. since I have been in kidney failure before by saturday afternoon I was pretty sure this was either failure or something very close to it. my breathing has become almost so labor intensive I can think of nothing else. I start coughing and gasping uncontrollably so you can understand that I am not about to put my grandkids through this. I stayed in the bedroom most of the day, I came out once when everyone was cooking and playing. again later I came out to see the kids and even played with them a bit. several times Chris asked me about going to the ER. I know he would have taken me and stayed with me, I also know they would have admitted me (confirmed by my dr. today). strange as it may seem to some I did not want to do that. it was my choice to give the one thing I could, I could give them the time together without worrying about me. what I got in return, is what motivated me to do that. I was awake some times and could hear the kids playing, the laughter and could even smell the food they were cooking so lovingly. that was their gift to me.
my sister is coming from san francisco and will be here tomorrow. she does not know how ill I have been these past few weeks. luckily she has many friends in Atlanta and when she is not here curled up with a book, chatting with Chris or loving the cats, I will send her on her way to be with those friends. she will return with stories and make me laugh. she has that way about her. she can also just be here quietly with me which is another thing I treasure her for. I wish I were not this sick right now, I wish that we could have had more good days together. I am sure we will, soon, I hope.
so why do this? I do this for me and for them. I want them to know that I do not regret one moment of this weekend or any other time I choose to put them first. by doing so I also put myself first, the ER, being admitted to the hospital, not anything as wonderful as the sound of happy people even if it is in the next room.