October 17, 2012 at 12:49 am (Uncategorized) (choice, death with dignity, dying, end of life care, end stage congestive heart failure, how does it feel to die, living will, making memories, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
this is one of those posts i started to write one night and then found i needed to give this more thought. except that isn’t really true. i worry that others are not going to understand what i am trying to say here.
for me there are absolute reasons why i would not choose to be admitted to a hospital. during this time my so-called mother died. i didn’t want my sister to think i was judging our mothers’ choice to go to the hospital numerous times. in the past i have said and repeat here that i in no way want to make judgement of those who choose to go into the hospital. this is my choice, under my circumstances. we are not all the same and our circumstances are as varied as we are.
there is no reason for me to go for further testing, when i have new problems like the one with my liver i look into what the diagnosis really means for me. are there more tests that are going to clarify issues for me? in my case it was clear from the one test what the problem is and that there is nothing to be gained from further testing or seeing a specialist. my regular dr., dr. salsberry reviewed the test results with me and we agreed that another test or another dr would not make a significant difference. it was my choice to not see another dr. for my liver. it was one of those side events to be expected with the heart failure.
unless there is something significant to be gained from further tests, new doctors or a possible hospital stay then i am just not thinking that is an option for me. there are so many options available from home now that i see little need of a hospital event for me. this of course is not the best course of action for many patients. it all depends on the condition and what they can gain from a hospital stay.
it is more important for me to be at home. a bad ending for me would be to die in the hospital. there are times when pain has played a big part and i have come very close to a visit. due to my condition we all are aware i would most likely be admitted to the hospital if i were to go in for any reason. there are no cats to cuddle in the hospital, my husband will not share my bed, friends would see me in an environment i would rather not have them see me in.
the main reasons for me are just simply i do not want to end my life in an unfamiliar bed, i don’t want to be poked and prodded, i want to choose when i am ready to go. i do not want to give up this last choice. i am a firm believer in death with dignity. i believe this is a choice my husband and i make and he is ready to live with. i can not think of a better way to end this adventure than kiss my love and go to sleep with him and my kitties at my side.
all the plans have been made, we know what will follow. the cremation is arranged, the memorial is planned. the business side of things are long ago planned, wills are done and business papers are signed.
the most important thing to know is chris and i are okay with the decisions we have made. we have made this about us and not others. it is about us and not just me. yes we die alone and yet we can choose to die with love around us. whatever you choose i hope that you are able to choose what will make your last moments here on earth the best moment yet. it needs to be the best for you and your loved ones.