after reading some other blogs not only do they have a writing style to be admired, they have “titles” that are clever and funny. these are not traits possessed by myself. today while at the bookstore, one particular title sort of jumped out at me. not too long ago a young friend of ours said talking to me was like talking to the Buddha. this is, let me assume, a compliment as he is a kind young man. strange how we project such characteristics onto others. many animal lovers do it with their pets. I will say my cats are smiling, smirking, or appear to understand what is being said. experts would declare that is not possible and we are simply projecting these human expressions on them.
this occurs to me as I ponder what the Buddha and I may have in common with each other. thumbing through the pages my interest is piqued by a couple of random lines. one is that we should not seek to be “special” as it can bring us suffering. if we feel that we must be special in some way, or others will not want to be our friend or love us, leads to frustration and low self-esteem. it has never been an issue for me. feeling special has never been a desire or feeling. when growing up my grandmother was always very adamant that I not take compliments seriously. they are of shallow non-intrinsic values was her message. if someone told me that I had beautiful eyes she would say to thank the person but to remember that many people have beauty, not so many are humble or have the beauty that matters in life.
my life’s work has been to serve, it is my joy. it is the kind of joy that comes from doing something well and knowing that you are making a difference with your life. this doesn’t mean that my work is any more valuable than anyone else’s just that I have been so blessed to work at being in fields that gave me great satisfaction while allowing me to give something as well. my time in the military was a chance to serve my country, my fellow soldier and take care of my family. each experience led me to this place and space I occupy now. this is just where I belong.
my life has not been anymore interesting than anyone elses. for whatever reason a friend of mine has decided to think about turning this blog into something more permanent. she is a warm and wonderful woman who has experienced loss. her story is not mine to tell so I will not share more than that here. she has much to say and many can benefit from her sharing. if my story inspires her to write that which must be written then I am honored.
all this leads me back to wondering if there is some reason I am still here? it has been suggested that having a great support system, being a good person, any number of “special” reasons to explain my survival. realistically I know and suspect they do as well that life is way more random than any platitude. my friend’s brother was all and more than I am, and yet he is gone. of course not just him, so many have gone before me and yet here I am???? when I read about someone who had so much to give, like liz taylor, it confirms just how random life is. as a bit of superstition I am hesitant to even say I am still here in fear that the universe will notice and realize the mistake. so let’s keep this just between us for now:)