this morning i realized i just could not make myself go to the g.i. dr.
for hours i tried to go over the reasons for the visit and it just came back again and again to what will be gained by this? i have an appointment with an oncologist (they do blood work) on the 21st and i am hoping to get the transfusions scheduled without much ado.
if i get the transfusions and go another 5 years without a problem then what the heck? if i really have to see the g.i. guy then i will. the idea of more tests that lead to nothing just aren’t on my bucket list.
of course chris was surprised and concerned. i am sure we will have more conversations about this but for now i can distract him with taxes, our granddaughter’s birthday and our impending visit to charleston.
oh charleston, we need you now. it is 5 a.m. and i am going to bed. i am hoping to sleep. i am hoping my uncle will not come to me in my dreams wanting me to get on the plane with him. a few days ago he said he would wait and then he smiled as though he knew something i didn’t. of course he knows a lot of things i don’t know. he passed a few years ago. someday i will tell you about him. for now i will just say he loved his family and he was a good man. but i am not ready to get on that plane with him no matter how nice he is:)
Originally posted on Ute smile:
I feel so much love in me…..
I could just hug the whole world.
I might reach more here than with my too short arms….
so here we are some wonderful loving hugs for you all!
An average hug lasts 3 seconds… not mine….. :-)
Sending much love and sunshine to you with my hugs!
It feels good doesn’t it.
i have been out of the workforce for a few years now. of course things have changed in that time. when i go to the dr i see the improvements and advances being made in the medical field. of course i try to keep up with advances in the mental health field as well.
at my primary care dr the system has been improved by making it easier for patients to contact the office. we can now email and request prescription refills, make appts or even review our latest lab results. these are all great improvements that i have benefitted from.
the problem seems to be the communication between the drs and the hospital. in the past a dr could let the admissions office know they were sending a patient over for admission. simply make a call and let the staff know what the current problem is and then the person could be admitted. now we have to go to the er, this is not a good use of the er. someone who needs tests or treatments now sits in the er waiting room and sees an over-worked staff for a non-emergency problem.
this is what has happened a couple of times with me. each time my dr sent me over after speaking to someone in administration. i then saw an er dr who decided this was not an emergency and sent me home. last time i actually did get admitted, however, i did not get the transfusion i need. a couple of weeks after this admission i saw my dr and he was so frustrated i felt sorry for him. he was doing his best to get me the care i need but just couldn’t get any cooperation.
tonight i was chatting it up with my sister and we started joking about this situation. i am going to walk in and say “what is so hard about this? just give me some blood!” i might even tell them i can bring my own donor, just run a line from them to me. we were laughing and as usual by the time i am off the phone i feel lighter. the problem is still there but if you can laugh about it somehow it seems more manageable.
there are times i sit back and wonder at how we humans seem to endure and even thrive in spite of some very heavy loads. i know i am one of the lucky ones. as i tell my adopted kitty ‘you are one lucky duck.’
this lucky duck may have to recruit a volunteer with a-neg blood:)
he does so much for me, though it is hard to say what i value most, i believe it has to be that soft place to land. since we first started dating he has been the one i could go to with the knowledge that i would be embraced and supported, no words had to be spoken.
in my opinion, as we get older one of the most wonderful things we can have is a soft place to land. whether that person is your life partner, family or a dear friend.
the physical landing i am blessed with is not the only loving, supportive soft place. it came rather unexpectedly, first words of support and later words such as my dear friend, love and hugs. yes my friends you have blessed me with an alternative soft place to land. some of you are going through almost the same situation i am, some have lost loved ones or are in the process of losing someone dear, some deal with mental health issues that make life more difficult than we can know. but there you are, telling me you care. telling me i am accepted for who i am.
having the endoscopy and colonoscopy would identify where the bleeding is ( most likely) and then it could be stopped. i see the benefit of having these tests. i know i am not going to let anyone biopsy my liver or kidneys. there is no point. psychologically and legally i believe dr’s, although they care, are mindful of not being sued and may feel guilty if they are not offering “something’ to a person in my situation.
tonight when i have doubts about my decisions i am grateful for the comments that offer support and humor. i am mindful and grateful of all you give me. to know that i am not alone in these late hours means more to me than you know. i admire and respect that given you have your own life that you are trying to live, you take the time to catch me so i don’t fall. from my heart to yours i want to acknowledge and thank you all for being a soft place for me to land and i hope that i am able to offer the same for you.