our story

November 8, 2014 at 4:38 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

today i read an article by a woman with chronic fatigue syndrome.  she has written three books about being a buddhist and having this chronic illness.  she has done a lot of research and is outraged that after 14 years of being ill no doctor has been able to really give her what she considers an accurate diagnosis.

another blog i like to read was focused on new laws regarding hydrocodone. apparently she has been taking this medication for years and now is going to need to start all over with trials of pain medication.

last week a brave young woman with a brain tumor moved to oregon so she could qualify for the death with dignity law.

after reading these blogs i went on the internet to look for more information.  it is my nature to be curious and care about the suffering of others.  my entire adult life i have been in the medical and mental health field.  in the army there wasn’t the kind of pressure to label everyone we saw.

when i read about diabetes or congestive heart failure it is amazing how many symptoms can be cross referenced.

for the past few days i have had stabbing, agonizing pain due to my kidneys.  both diabetes and chf can cause this problem. like the woman with chronic fatigue syndrome i know that others may be compassionate, and though i appreciate that more each day , unless you have a similar disease or have a love one with this disease it is not possible to internalize the depth of another persons suffering.

tersia wrote about her daughter vic and though i felt her pain i would never say i know what she is going through.  vic has passed on but her story, her face, her courage live on in my heart.  tersia herself is so inspirational.  she has built  a hospice in vic’s memory.  time has helped her, or at least that is what i believe.  it hurts to know she carries that pain of losing her child.

there is an old saying, “i know just enough to be dangerous.” over the years i have seen this proven many times over.  someone takes a few classes and suddenly they are experts.  it would be funny except there were times it truly could have cost someone their life or their sanity and freedom.

they wonder of all these people and their stories gives me hope just when i need it most.  it doesn’t matter to me why my kidneys are failing. i can read a hundred journals and blogs but the journey is different and yet the same for us all.  i hope that i can be as strong as the women and men who have become my friends. even my dear man prenin inspires me with each comment. he suffers not from a medical condition but a serious mental health condition.  for too many years anyone with a mental health disease were treated like malingerers. same thing, even today for those with chronic fatigue syndrome.

please forgive me for rambling. there are so many that are not mentioned here yet mean the world to me.  i just wanted to share what is on my mind before i go back to sleep.  i have little memory of the past few days with the exception of laying in bed and trying not to move. my hope was that if i stayed very still the pain would sleep with me.  it is 4 a.m. and i am going to bed. i have been fighting the fog that wants to carry me away. last time it took me i lost 3 days.

make the most of every moment and every day of your life.  when i am awake as i was tonight i called my sister.  she is moving and still packing.  the movers are coming at 9 a.m. in the morning.  just a few minutes on the phone with her gives me hope that i will wake tomorrow and be a good partner to my loving husband.

earlier today he asked if i would be up to our “date night” and sadly i wasn’t.  tomorrow i am going to do whatever i have to in order to spend quality time with him.  these may be our last days together. i am hoping not but with my condition/disease i carry that knowledge in my soul.  i have one brief memory from yesterday. thursdays are his bridge day so he leaves around 12:30 and comes home or calls me around 4 to ask about going out to eat with the bridge friends. i remember looking at the clock and it was nearly 3, then in my fog i heard a voice and saw a shadow near me.  in this haze i thought he was home and asking me about going out. i said i can’t get up i’m worried i might fall.  then this comforting voice says ” i just wanted to take a closer look at you.”  later i realized it couldn’t have been him and for some reason i believe it was the bear.  he has walked with me for long time, always keeping his distance but from time to time he let’s me get a glimpse of him.  just a little reminder that my time grows closer.

all this information now seems to tie together.  things come to us when we are ready or need it.  brittany maynard spoke to me in a way few will understand.  i know we must talk about her and keep her brave choice alive.  we all have a story and in the end that is what remains, our story.

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britanny maynard replaced with the neighbors of the kardashians

November 4, 2014 at 4:48 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

it has not been more than 2 days since britanny maynard left this journey.  tonight i checked on the top stories and there was not one word about britanny, however, there was an article regarding the neighbors of khloe and kourtney kardashian in the hamptons.  seems they are not pleased to see these famous for being famous young women living in their neighborhood.

there have been times i have asked myself, has the world gone crazy or is it me?  this brave young woman put a face on an important issue.  “How It Feels To Die In Oregon.” was a great documentary and i remember feeling so inspired and hopeful that in time georgia would also have a similar law.

over time though what i noticed were how quickly people lost interest.  now i sit here wondering how this brave young woman could be so easily moved off the front lines to the back pages.  if you watch her video it is heartbreaking.  so much of what she said resonated with me and i would imagine with so many others like me.  she said she knew that her husband would grieve her loss, in time she wanted him to find love again, even have the children that they had planned for their future.

for myself i accept what is coming and feel no bitterness or fear.  as i have said many times my departure is no tragedy. of course my family will grieve and feel the loss.  however, in time they will move on and i will become an occasional story to tell.

this afternoon we were out running a couple of errands and having our usual chatter.  chris often forgets to tell me important information from conversations with family, friends and business related calls.  today he tells me while talking to kristen, the youngest daughter,he started planning a trip for spring break with the grandsons.  it goes without saying i am part of this plan he says.  i mention that realistically this is not a trip i can take, so he says his first priority is me and so he just won’t go.

although my heart melts at his love and consideration i feel it is up to me to now make him understand that he has to take this time for the grandkids now before they are too old to build a relationship with him.  luckily we have a wonderful relationship with kristen’s children but it has not been so easy with our other two who have been living in the bahamas.

they are always on our mind but their parents made the decision to live in maggie’s native home in the bahamas.  once a year they have come up to visit and so we have a relationship but not the one we would like.  the problem was i knew it was going to be a difficult thing to change his mind.

we went back and forth with the same stance. he saying he can’t leave me alone, what if something happened and he wasn’t here? me reminding him that children grow and we never get that time back.  plus! it is not like i do not have friends i can call to stay with me if i need them.  i watched this look go over his face, it is the face that realizes i am right.  so we put it on hold for a couple of days.

it isn’t that i want to leave while he is gone but i wouldn’t mind if it worked out that way.  so tonight or rather the wee hours i am thinking of britanny and how quickly her story left the front page.  i am also thinking i do not want chris to give up on living life to the fullest and being the grandfather he can be if he will let nature take it’s course and remember that staying home is not some magic spell that will keep me safe and alive.

being alive is experiencing all this adventure has to offer and not being afraid to take them.  recently our young friend liz bought a house and we are so proud of her.  this is a huge step for her. it is a huge commitment to where she is going to spend a large part of her life.  it is part of her adventure and she has had to overcome some fear.

my youngest sister is making a huge change in her life in just a few months.  she is going to take one of the biggest risks of her life to go for her dream.  i just feel so grateful to be a part of these huge life events.

one of my friends has struggled for years with an abusive relationship and then not being able to find a job.  she has found a place to live and two-part time jobs.  life is not easy but she is finding her way.

there are so many stories like these, events and changes that i am blessed to be a part of.  just as i think my world is growing smaller, i look around and realize that i have not been left behind. i still have family and friends who care very much about me and make the effort to be a part of my life even though it is difficult when i have 0 energy spend crazy long hours sleeping.  some days even though i am technically awake i struggle to walk without falling.

please don’t forget britanny or any of the others who have lived bravely and die bravely.  don’t forget about the masses who live with terminal or even chronic illness but push on to live the best life they can.  we will not forget you my loves….

 

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three states with death with dignity laws

November 1, 2014 at 11:09 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The Dr. Saysi am going to share the laws that i looked up on the internet a few days ago..  with the news of the young woman who has moved to oregon in order to qualify for the death with dignity law my curiosity was peaked.  off and on for the past few months i have begun to wonder just how difficult it would be for me to qualify without actually up-rooting everything.

one of the biggest arguments against death with dignity laws seems to be that people who are depressed or chronically ill and just want to end the suffering will be able to use this law.  in reality the law is very strict and there are only a couple of doctors who may handle all the paperwork involved.  there are forms that the drs. must file along with gathering information from a persons primary care doctor.  in addition the person must meet the all the residency laws.

so here are some of the steps that would have to be met if a person decided to use one of these states death with dignity laws.

The Oregon, Washington, and Vermont Death with Dignity laws allow mentally competent, terminally-ill adult state residents to voluntarily request and receive a prescription medication to hasten their death. This is one of many end-of-life care options available in Oregon, Washington, and Vermont.

Oregon voters approved of their law in 1994 and confirmed their support in 1997. The Oregon Death with Dignity Act went into effect in 1997. The voters of Washington passed their law in 2008 and it was implemented in 2009 after no credible legal challenges. In 2013, Vermont lawmakers enacted their assisted death law—the first passed through legislation.

It’s up to qualified patients and licensed physicians to implement these laws on an individual basis. There isn’t a state program for participation in these laws. People don’t apply to the health departments of any of the states to make a request for medication.

Please read the information below to learn more about eligibility and the application process, the application form, as well as the statutes in Oregon and Washington. If you have additional questions, please feel free to contact us.

Eligibility:
Terminally-ill patients who wish to obtain a prescription under the Oregon, Washington, or Vermont law must be a resident of one of the three states and follow a series of steps in order to be certified.

Among other requirements, a patient must be:

18 years of age or older,
a resident of Oregon, Washington, or Vermont;
capable of making and communicating health care decisions for him/herself;
and diagnosed with a terminal illness that will lead to death within six months.
Two physicians must determine whether these criteria have been met.

How does a patient establish residency?
A patient must provide the attending physician proof of residency according to the states’ laws. There isn’t a timetable associated with establishing residency. Proof can include a state issued ID such as a driver’s license, documents showing the patient rents or owns property in the state, state voter registration, or a recent state tax return. The attending physician must decide whether the patient has adequately established residency.

How long does it take to establish residency?
There is no minimum residency requirement. A patient must simply be able to prove he or she is a current, bona fide resident of Oregon, Washington, or Vermont.

Can a non-resident move to Oregon, Washington, or Vermont to use the law?
The law doesn’t prevent anyone from moving to Oregon, Washington, or Vermont. However, reports show few—if any—patients have moved to Oregon, Washington, or Vermont to use the law.

Request Timeline
First oral request to your physician
15 day waiting period
Second oral request to your physician
Written request to your physician
48 hour waiting period before you can pick up your prescribed medications
Patient may pick up prescribed medications from the pharmacy
How do Death with Dignity laws protect all citizens?
Several safeguards in Death with Dignity laws ensure all patients are protected, and if they wish to use the law, they’re in full control of the process. These safeguards and the request process ensure there’s no chance patients are coerced to hasten their deaths. The terminally-ill patient:

verbally requests the medication from the physician twice; each request is separated by 15 days.
make a written request to the attending physician; the request is witnessed by two individuals who are not primary care givers or family members.
can rescind the verbal and written requests at any time.
must be able to self-administer and ingest the prescribed medication.
The law further requires…

The attending physician must be licensed in the same state as the patient.
The physician’s diagnosis must include a terminal illness, with six months or less to live.
The diagnosis must be certified by a consulting physician, who must also certify that the patient is mentally competent to make and communicate health care decisions.
If either physician determines that the patient’s judgment is impaired, the patient must be referred for a psychological examination.
The attending physician must inform the patient of alternatives, including palliative care, hospice and pain management options.
The attending physician must request that the patient notify their next-of-kin of the prescription request.
Use of the law cannot affect the status of a patient’s health or life insurance policies.
The states’ departments of health enforce compliance with the law. Compliance requires physicians to report all prescriptions to the state. Physicians and patients who comply with the law are protected from criminal prosecution. Physicians and health care systems are not obligated to participate in the Death with Dignity laws.

- See more at: http://www.deathwithdignity.org/access-acts#sthash.EvoG3enP.dpuf

doesn’t look like i will be taking advantage of these states who have implemented the laws which will allow a person to die with dignity.  unfortunately this leaves so many who are suffering and want to have that same privilege and must take things into their own hands and i can only hope for them they have done their homework and don’t  cause more suffering  to themselves and others that they love and are trying to spare.

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60 minutes and death with dignity

October 20, 2014 at 8:37 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

once again a mainstream program, 60 minutes, has approached the subject of death with dignity all too briefly.

the following is a brief conversation between the reporter anderson cooper and barbera mancini. the conversation started with the discussion about brittany maynard, a young woman with a brain tumor that moved to oregon in order to end her life with dignity:

A young woman with brain cancer named Brittany Maynard made news recently when she spoke about her decision to end her life rather than succumb to the last ravages of her disease. Maynard moved to Oregon because it has a law that enables terminally ill people to obtain a lethal dose of barbiturates.

Whether doctors and caregivers should be allowed to help someone like Maynard hasten her own death is the subject of a long-running, state-by-state battle. Our story tonight is about a woman who was prosecuted for allegedly helping her 93-year-old father kill himself. Barbara Mancini lives in Pennsylvania, a state that does not have a law like Oregon’s. Her father was terminally ill and in pain and had repeatedly said he wanted to die. One morning while she was caring for him, Mancini says he asked her to hand him his bottle of morphine.

after she did so he drank what was in the bottle then said he wanted to go to sleep.  if possible, take the time to read this touching story that led barbara to a possible 10  year sentence and sent her dad to the hospital where he was “revived” and lasted another four days. those four days were some of the worst of his life. all the things he had wanted to avoid were done to him in that time.

cut from ms. mancini being vindicated to a dr. who opposes such laws and sited the “death squads in europe.” this has been proven to be erroneous information time and again yet it is still used.

what i took away from this is do what you think is right for you and don’t involve you family. they may know but unless you drag them in to your plans no one knows for sure other than you.

this is a real hot button for many, including myself.  so what do you think? do we have the right to end our life with dignity or do we lose those rights as we become more infirm? that is the question. Read the rest of this entry »

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my eyes

October 12, 2014 at 11:33 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

though i do not presume who else will read this i am hoping my dear husband, sister and a few other very special people will read this and know that it is for you and yes you too.

there is something written, i can’t quite remember who or what, that has the phrase “if you could see through my eyes.” although i am sure it is much used it comes to me now and then over the years.  whether with family, friends, patients or just casual acquaintances, i find myself thinking if only you could see yourself through my eyes.

tonight at dinner we were chatting about this and that at our favorite comfort food restaurant, it was then i wished you could see you through my eyes.  when i asked how you see yourself it made me sad when you answered.  for when i look at you i see who you are in your heart and soul.  i see the man of my dreams, the man whom i dare not dream of at one time in my life.  i see sparkling eyes that gleam with mischief, the kind seen in the eyes of a young boy who has grown into this man i am blessed with loving today.

i see a caring, loving man who has chosen to stay with and care for a woman who is taking too long to leave. those are my words, i can hear you saying you never wanted me to go at all, and i love you for that more than you can know.  through difficult times you have never said or even made me wonder if you would leave me, some would you know?  you have taken such good care of me over the years and i dearly want you to recognize what a gift that has been not only to me but others.  you don’t have it in you to turn your back on another human bean that needs sunlight.

you are the man who casually said to my sister, you can come and live with us. the man who wanted to be there for his kids even when they had kids of their own or were old enough to be  just slightly  annoyed when advise was offered.  in my eyes you are still the tall, handsome man i first saw walking rather jauntily toward me so many years ago now.  if i step back it is there and i have an intellectual part of me that understands the various stages of life and what to expect.  that doesn’t change the heart though does it?  no, i see that in you too.  the acceptance and the effort to push back time.  reading about the aging process and experiencing it are all mixed up in my mind and heart.

i have seen you struggle with decisions made in the past, my heart sometimes breaks for you when i hear this.  we have all made our mistakes, we all have our fears and demons that we must tame to have peace of mind.  if we are fortunate we have others in our life to love us and hold us.  someone who will hold that soul of us and keep it safe until we are ready to receive it for ourselves.

in my eyes you are all that i would want or need.  to those of you reading this, i wish you could see you through my eyes.  you would be proud of who you are, you would know what beauty you carry and bless others with.  that you have blessed me with in this journey. in my eyes you will see the love i have for you now and always.

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first things first

October 7, 2014 at 1:09 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

the dream ended and i became aware that i was no longer in a deep sleep. my eyes aren’t open yet. i can remember just a few short years ago my eyes would have been open and i would have been making my way to the shower. that was then and this now.

strange but my limbs don’t seem to want to move. these days i can only lay comfortably on my left side. guess it has something to do with my heart and the ICD. it has been years since i was able to lay on my back. while in the army i had an incident where i sustained a spinal injury along with some broken bones. this left me with a limited number of positions. there are times when out of frustration i sleep in the chair. this is not my favorite thing to do as we miss each other. at times he will come out and sit next to me. he never complains about this disruption.

even though my eyes are closed i can see where everything is. i know the pictures on my side of the wall. four of them were taken in one of those photo booths about 20 years ago. just a few weeks ago, while at the movie, we saw a photo booth and decided to go for it. odd to look at the younger couple so many years ago and the people we have become.

as i lay in the bed i said in my head,

i am dying
i am going to die
i am going to die and it doesn’t upset me

how does someone live with this?
how do you go on with your life for today?
how can you be so calm in the face of this very real fact?

we are going to see leaves changing in the great smokey mountains next week.
we will be staying at the grove park in which we love.
we are choosing 2 queen size beds instead of a king because even after all these years we want to be able to reach over and touch the other person, to say i love you and to sometimes hold hands.

this is also a fact. unless of course i die before we go. that would not be cool. of course this thing is going to happen sooner than later so i will in fact die before, during or after one of our trips. at least, i am hoping that it will not be during. that would be a real inconvenience!

i need to add a note to my living will that is in the car. there need to be directions for him to follow. there need to be phone numbers, he won’t have any and doesn’t know how to use my phone that has everyone’s number.

yes i am dying.
i just really need to write that note first.

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Our Hearts Will Always Touch

October 5, 2014 at 3:16 am (Uncategorized)

Originally posted on Vic's Final Journey:

Our Hearts Will Always Touch by Ranja Kujala (Changed)

When I laid there beside you,
Could you feel me there?
My arms were wrapped around you,
And I was stroking your hair.

I was talking about all the good times,
For me they were every single day.
I wanted you to feel love and comfort,
Be happy in some way.

I watched your every breath,
And prayed that each one wasn’t your last.
The time we got to share together,
Went by too quick…Too fast.

I wanted you to wake up,
Please Vic…Open your eyes.
Tell me this is a nightmare,
And not our goodbyes.

As your last breath grew closer,
We lay there peacefully together.
My heart continually breaking,
Because I wanted you forever.

Then there it was,
Your final breath of air.
I didn’t want to believe it,
It was so cruel and not fair.

I held your beautiful face,
And…

View original 180 more words

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a good day?

October 5, 2014 at 2:57 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

as he does every night, he gives me a kiss on my lips and hand. then he says “as always thank you for a great day.”

oh dear it has been a great day indeed.

i fell asleep about 8 am and woke at 11:45.  moving about in a bit of a haze i decided to make he and i eggs. that should be easy, right?  as long as i can keep all my fingers and not fall over one of the cats. work in the insulin and pills, heat the pan, slice, whisk and then there it all is.  i notice it is not cooking evenly but my balance is getting worse so we never liked hard eggs anyway.

eggs served and eaten, nap time, i wake again very late and he goes for take out.  we eat and watch a saved masterpiece mystery.  he rubs my legs that have been giving me great pain. oh his tough is still the thing that can bring me to my knees.

a couple funny shows and then he is off to bed.  it is nearly 4 a.m.. and i will soon join him. i am hoping for sleep. no not that peaceful eternal sleep, not until i decommission this badge in my chest. just sleep, may be i”ll be able to spend more time with him.

that is a great day to look forward too. yes looking forward is what we do a lot of these days. the nitroglycerin will make times easier though i think his leg rubs may beat them for effectiveness:)

 

a coffe at starbucks after visiting our favorite place barnes and noble:)

IMG_0002

our first road trip where we learned we really enjoyed each others company!

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the dr. said

October 2, 2014 at 4:04 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

for some time now i have been feeling as though there is a difference in how my heart failure is progressing.  the strange thing with this condition has been my symptoms will stay stagnate for a period of time and then there will be this jump forward.

i’ve said a few times that i need to get in to see the dr.  honestly i know things are getting worse and that i need to see the dr, however, i see the look on his face and i put it off once again.  i say it’s not an emergency and nothing they can really do for me so what is the point.  he nods and we both put it on the back burner.

yesterday i realized i seriously needed to see my doctor.  aside from the regular stuff i was suffering from a raging sinus infection and heart related issues such as more frequent angina attacks along with more fluid retention.

my most recent excuse for putting this visit off was his big birthday. after that i needed no excuse since i have not had enough energy to get out.  over the past week we have gotten out a couple of times for a couple of hours and i was able to go out to dinner with a friend. this encouraged me to spend the day seeking out some answers.

what is that saying? be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.  dr. s is now at the urgent care and i was hoping to see him, my trust was rewarded with him being on duty this day.  it was his last day on for a while.  the relief and joy at knowing i would see him made the wait well worth it.  while sitting in the waiting room i saw him and he waved with his big smile.  when checking in i had asked to see him rather than the other dr. but knew that might not go well. once in the exam room he joked telling me that he had warned his co-worker that he did not want to see me with all my list of health problems.

my blood pressure was quite high, especially for someone on medication and with a pacemaker.  it has been well controlled at times but in the danger zone at others.  after the usual review of life and limbs he prescribed an anti-biotic along with fast acting nitroglycerin. the cardiologist may want to prescribe a once/twice a day longer acting nitroglycerin. that is if i see him.

we have to come to the point where i ask “the” question.  what can i expect now with so much change so quickly?  he stumbles over the words at first, then he slightly leans back in his chair and looking me in the eyes, well what we hope for is a quiet passing.  that you will go to sleep and …..

i can not help but lower my head in thought. i won’t have the luxury of a quiet death as long as this ICD is active.  do you think it is time for me to have it turned off?  he is candid in a way that surprises me. in the past he has been so optimistic and encouraged me to hold on as long as possible.  we had discussed chris’s birthday a couple of weeks ago.   i tell him i fear the longer i am here the harder it will be on my love.  his last advise was to do the things we want to do now.

the most difficult thing for me is i had no time to think about how i would tell him what the dr. said. if only he would have let me come on my own so i could be sure to find the kindest way to tell him this latest news. although it is not really news.  we have never taken any of our time for granted and are as grateful as any two people have ever been.

it will be cooler weather here soon and in a couple of weeks the leaves will be changing. in a couple of weeks we will be going in to tennessee and spend a couple of days at a bed and breakfast just enjoying the beauty of the season as well as each other.  we are as prepared for life as we are for death. each comes on its own terms and it is up to us to embrace them.

it is nearly 5 a.m. and i am going to try for a few hours of sleep, today is thursday and that means he will be playing bridge, then i will join the group for dinner.  i wasn’t able to go last week but i refuse to miss another week.  i so look forward to this weekly outing, seeing friends and catching up on what they have all been doing.  ahhh gotta go, he is coming down the hall to remind me it is time to join him.

just another reason to love him and to know how lucky i am, after all these years he still wants me beside him.  good night/morning my dear family and friends.  don’t be sad of this news, we all knew it was coming and who knows how long this phase will last? it could be weeks, months even years!

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the abilene paradox

September 27, 2014 at 4:01 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

not long after we started dating chris brought home this training film.  it is outdated and the actors are so stiff it made me laugh.  he was working for the california state highway dept. and this was a tape he had used when he worked in recruiting and training.

the basic story is a group of people, somehow related and some maybe not.  it is a sunday after church. they live in a small town about an hour away from abilene, texas.  texas is huge and during the summer quite hot and windy.  during the time this film is from either air conditioning was not available or only for rich people.  they are drinking iced tea and the fact that the ice is melting and the glass sweating are the focus.  these have to be some of the most boring people even for texas.

someone brings up going to abilene, the big city(?), and having ice cream. i am not sure how far they drive but let’s just say it feels like hours.  they are testy and no one seems happy to be in this heat, traveling in an un-airconditioned car. once in abilene the ice creams is melting and no one seems happy to have made this trip.

at the end, everyone is safely back on the small porch of one player, there ensues an argument regarding the trip to abilene.  you learn that no one wanted to go but thought the other’s did.

the moral of the story is don’t just go along with the crowd. speak up for yourself and you may not be the only one feeling this way.

so as i watched this training film i knew that only love would make me not regret the 30 minutes i would never get back.

that is until today. for several years after seeing this, chris would compare situation after situation to the “abilene paradox.”  of course i would not see the comparison but would nod to avoid an explanation of why it was indeed like this training film.

we have been planning a trip for october for several months. the cool months are the best time for me to travel so in the past we have made our once a year big trip in late fall or winter.  last year our trip to yosemite certainly had it’s challenges and since then i have to say we both know i have declined in health and ability to travel.

some time ago i explained to chris, who has never had more than the flu, that this was much like having the flu all the time.  last night i thought was the time to coax him into firming up whatever travel plans we are going to make.  originally we wanted to go back to california only this time drive along the coast and maybe over to napa valley. all very beautiful and cool places.  we have also talked a bit about more local short trips to see the changing leaves.

my goal is not just for myself but to get him out and enjoying life.  not wanting him to regret not getting out and making memories of his own. needless to say we would have to make adjustments according to my health needs on any given day but i am prepared to push through when need be.

he takes my hand, looks at me and says, if i felt like i had the flu everyday i would not want to go anywhere.  i would want to rest, sleep and lay in bed.  on a good day i would want to sit in the living room with you and drink tea, play with the kitties and maybe watch some good masterpiece mysteries.  isn’t that what you need? isn’t that best for you?

it feels like failure to me.  it feels like with enough love i could do what is best for him. he is right. i don’t feel like traveling for weeks. not even days.  so we are working this thing out. we will play it by ear. we will have small adventures. we will take a day or two if we feel like it, or we will curl up on the couch with the kitties and watch masterpiece mysteries.

this could have been the abilene paradox, the funny thing is he never once made the connection. think i will keep this one to myself.  maybe you have to love someone enough to say no this is not a good idea.  that is the kind  of love i have been blessed with in this part of my journey.  my sister will travel to sweden in may and she will send pics for us to be in awe of and tales of all the people she will meet.  at this point that is enough.

this part of my adventurous journey will be sitting or laying with the man i love, three cats that i am allergic to and visiting with friends who care enough to drop in and spend some time with me. all in all this part of the journey is not as bad as one might think.  no it is not bad at all.  life is good and we are going to make the most of it, right until the end. whenever that may be……

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