one thing about being in pain ,or just being so exhausted that activity of any sort is out of the question, you have plenty of time to think. after a few hours i realized just how many different twists and turns these thoughts take during these times. after so many years of almost hyper-focus it is interesting to realize how easy it can be to let your mind sort of free float.
my first thought in this sequence was regarding my own insecurities. the sound of my voice has always been something i strongly dislike, as a child i had little to say. for most of my early years my grandmother would sit me somewhere out of the way, or as i was older i would find my own corner, and adults would often forget i was in the room.
from this i started asking myself how i had done some of the things i have with this inability to feel worthy. while i was in the army it was more about action not one person standing out. throwing myself into each mission with all i had in me earned me the respect of my fellow soldiers. they always knew that i would be there for them.
while i worked at Diogenes i had the opportunity to once again to work with people who didn’t judge me by my ability to speak in public. every week i would be tasked with some speaking event. lucky for me i had the good luck to work with a couple of therapists who didn’t mind speaking, and they were excellent. strange that i was the “director” but never felt like one. we were a team just like in the army. these were my guys and i would have given my life for them. time after time these guys stepped in to save my bacon.
my dedication to my guys in the army is how my back and legs were injured. the drs didn’t even offer me rehab. no one thought i would walk again. for a few months i was in a wheelchair. one of the techs remarked what muscular legs i had. for years i was a runner. it was the thing that kept me sane in the middle of insanity. so began the rehab on my own. of course i would never run again but i do walk. i have walked with great pain, sit with great pain, lay with great pain. there was a miracle in this though, the miracle of being alive and walking. no one would know unless they were extremely close how difficult just walking was for me.
now my love and devotion belong to family and a group of friends. do they know about my insecurities? have they ever thought about them? my dear man knows but finds it hard to believe with all have been able to do. what he doesn’t understand is the cost to me when we socialize. funny though i love to have friends over. to know they accept me for who i am and my limited abilities is the one thing that makes me forget my insecurities for that moment.
my friends here see the insecurities and yet they support me and care for me. how lucky am i to have such friends? though i have a few friends in the real world it is the virtual friends who reach out to me and really hear what i am saying. for this you have my undying love. it is my greatest wish to meet you all and give you a real hug and to thank you for being here for me.
we will not be taking a big trip this year. it makes no sense and would be a waste of money. we can take shorter trips that will give us just as much pleasure and take some of the pressure of my love. if anyone has more insecurities than me it is he. i have found my insecurities can be pushed aside and i am ready for action when it comes to my family and friends.
when my younger sister gets here next week all insecurities disappear. i am up for anything with her. as a matter of fact we are getting a tattoo! i will try to post a picture of them when we are properly marked for posterity.
my last thoughts were i may need to hire someone for part of a day once a week to run errands and to just help with household duties i no longer have the energy to perform.
next week my sister will be here, all the kids and grandkids will be here for the big birthday celebration! it will take everything in me to be up and making sure all goes well. of course i have my sister who will help, my step-friends who never ask just jump in to make things work. i will take are to shop for all we need and they will make sure it all makes it out and then gets cleaned up.
on the monday we take angie back to the airport and i have made reservations at a posh, historic hotel in atlanta. we will have dinner at one of our favorite places and invite our step-friend heather to join us.
for those who have come late to this party my step-friends are my step-daughters. they brought out my worst insecurities and still do. all i want is for them to care/love me the way i do them. much like my sister i would do anything for them. i have come to accept there are family members who will never be a part of these last days, months or dare i say years?
to know and appreciate the love and support of those who over look my short comings is indeed a blessing. to honor his insecurities has made it easy to forget about my own insecurities.
one thing i am not insecure about is our love and commitment to each other. another is the love my sister and i have for each other. actually i am not insecure about dying. when it comes i will be ready. as of late i have thought of a few more instructions i need to leave for chris. it will be my sister or one of my step-friends who see him through all the details. doing this helps me to know i will help him deal with his insecurities.
insecurities are not the worst thing to happen to a person. this is one down falling that i can consider not the worst of my faults. i know my own faults and accept them for what they are. it is not my place to judge any one else’s faults. it is my calling to support them while they work through them if the want.
it is not our place to judge other’s, there is plenty of judgement out there in the world. too many people have made it their lives work to point out others short comings while avoiding their own issues.
start today, don’t judge the person who cuts you off in traffic. you have no idea what they are going through. don’t take it personally. that person did not say to themselves oh look i am going cut off that person just to make them mad. no they are thinking of what is going on in their life and make the decisions based on that. so for today don’t judge one person today and see what you learn about yourself and others.
yesterday Sandra went out to do a few things. when she returned home around one she had a great difficulty getting out of the car and then in the house in walking. she also experienced an uncontrolled shaking of her arms. she experienced great weakness in her legs and choking feeling of not getting enough air. this was a new event, during last evening she ran a high temp and was in a great deal of overall pain. this morning after spending the night in the living room she awoke still in pain with a numb left foot. she called dr s and we are going to see him at four. I feel scared and helpless.
early in the first stages of this blog I spoke about the right to die with dignity. there had been a show on dr oz with terminally ill patients who wanted the right to die with dignity. it roused real anger in my heart to hear some in the audience say things like just let them stop eating, drinking or taking their medication.
I wanted to scream at the t.v. and ask why should the ill have to suffer even more to end their suffering? William peace was in that audience and gave me a different perspective.
now I have passed the 6 year mark and I am so grateful for that gift. I am also not as sure as I once had been about the timing of such an ending. let me start by confessing I had a little meltdown the other night. it was just this feeling that came over me and I felt myself just slipping away from this journey.
for a short time I sat in the living room with our cats. then I felt like I was making a choice and if I wanted to stay, to hang on here I would need to connect with my love. the thing that happened next made me realize how afraid I am for him. there is absolutely no fear in death for me it is all about who is going to take care of him? who is going to help him navigate a world that is changing and he doesn’t understand what is happening.
clearly I would never ask him to be involved with my choice to leave on my own terms. there are certain things I feel we have no right to ask of those we love. to know that he will go on after I am gone makes a difference in the choices I make. it isn’t that I feel he can’t replace me or be happy without me. as a matter of fact I am so hopeful it will be just the opposite. I hope for him to have many happy years with or without me.
does anyone know how to turn off this auto capitalization? I have never capitalized the I and so each time I see it happen it feels like I am being inauthentic somehow. being my last thoughts, feelings and words it important that they belong to me and are written in the form my comfortable to me.
bottom line I am learning that leaving is not as easy as I originally thought it would be.