November 22, 2015 at 5:22 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
each day i try to start the day or at least end the day with a personal embrace of what gift this day has brought to me. for certain there are days that are more difficult than others. some days all i can do is be grateful for being gifted that day. even on a day i am only awake a few hours i cannot let the day pass without acknowledging the gift of that one more day.
as you may know i had a transfusion a few weeks ago. it was performed as an outpatient and really seemed to go well. each day afterward i retained more fluid, a problem with congestive heart failure that eventually takes your life. by friday i couldn’t say more than one word without gasping for air, after some coercion, from those i love, i had to go off to the emergency room. from there i went straight in to the hospital.
there was a build up of fluid that even the i.v. lasix couldn’t completely relieve me of the fluid that was and is smothering me. my kidneys were compromised by the lasix so i had to stay an extra day. you will never guess what the cure for my kidneys being less than 100%. it is fluid! they gave me a salt water based fluid i.v. which yes increased my retention while at the same time bringing my kidney function to a level needed to discharge me from the hospital. i left with a walker and oxygen. my body has not been able to release this extra fluid to date. there are times when i cough and choke. it feels like i can not get any air. it would not be any different from someone putting their hands around my throat and choking the air out of me.
afterward i am gasping, shaking and a bit disoriented. the gift? he sits beside me and i know that i am loved. i have had so many more days than i could have hoped for in the beginning. who knows what is ahead or just around the corner? right now i know that i will not be able to travel for the holidays as we have in the past. no, we will not be going to charleston this year. maybe these are the last holidays for me.
how amazing if i am given these last holidays! oh who knows when the last time or last day will be? we can just be grateful for the gift of today.
i want to mention that we have some friends who brought us food a few days after i came home. it was so wonderful to know that there are such caring people in the world and they are our friends. i have a friend who works at one of our favorite restaurants, she came to the hospital after working a double shift. she brought me my favorite food. so many gifts in one life time. i am so grateful for each day and each person that touches my life. i have made friends here, on Facebook and of course in real-time. i have friends in other states that i have not ever met, some have been my friends for years though we have not seen each other in over 10 years.
the oxygen keeps me breathing for now. my heart keeps beating for now. my soul is grateful… always.
November 9, 2015 at 12:05 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, plueral effusions, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
i have written concerning my feelings, this applies only to myself and is in no way a judgement of anyone else, regarding the use of the e.r. and pain medication. tonight i have broken both of these soft rules. i have always known that i may indeed have to use the e.r. at some point. i just thought it would be under more dire (?) circumstances. just minutes ago i asked for and received a shot of morphine. i just need to rest a few hours. i just need to be able to regroup and move forward from here.
on tuesday i had a blood transfusion. it has to be done either through the outpatient or as an admitted patient when you have congestive heart failure. it is considered risky and my cardiologist muttered under his breath as he left my room today “she should not have been given the transfusion.” although i did not have an immediate reaction i did start a slide down hill that only going to the e.r. and being admitted could stop. for a couple of weeks i was battling a virus, possibly pneumonia. then came the transfusion and my body just couldn’t handle it.
i was adamantly against going to the e.r. until this,
angie: you’re not the one with the dying sister who is going to suffer the loss.
for a moment i thought she was joking, she had made the comment to me once that i could not use the “i’m dying card.” so in the void left by this deeply raw and honest truth i replied, “you’re not going to play that card are you because you can only use it on a limited basis.
i look at her and am a bit ashamed that i have brought her to this point. how could i not see that she and he are worried and frustrated by my rejection of possible remedy. her eyes hold what could become tears, oh i want to move across the room and hug her tightly but i am too ill to do so and know that i must go to the dreaded e.r.
she has bought in to the opinion of some nurse on the phone line who tells her i will get oxygen and just take some home with me. of course i am now in a room as a patient of our local hospital. that alone is the frustration i carry. does this make me a wimp? have i given in to the idea i can be fixed? no, this i know for sure, i have not been blinded to the reality that i am coming to that place where there are no more steps to be taken. it will be time to open myself to the universe and welcome this part of my journey.
my mind is analyzing and seeking the answer to this question, by asking for pain medication have i crossed a line that changes me and what i stand for? my chest x-ray showed pleural effusions. i will explain in my next post but for now let me say that there is a high level of pain involved. given time i have no doubt i can walk with this pain without fear or dread. tonight though i have asked for relief. just for tonight i jokingly welcome this wimp who decided not to be brave tonight. tonight i am a wimp and i can love this part of myself. she will have to take a back seat tomorrow but for tonight she is calling the “shots.” not as clever as judy or any of the other real writers i have come to love but not bad for a wimp.
good night to all you brave beings who face your battles with grace that leaves me inspired and in awe. good night to all the wimps who i am learning to respect and understand in a new day and new light. now if i can just get a few hours of rest here where the lights are never off.
November 2, 2015 at 4:15 am (Uncategorized) (blood transfusions, congestive heart failure, death with dignity, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the diary of anne frank, the dr. says, waiting for the end, where there is life)
just about every kid in the u.s. has been required to read the diary of anne frank. i have a few books that i have read multiple times, each time having new thoughts and even discovering a turn of words that i now see in a different way. before living in germany i dreamed of some day visiting the camps and more importantly the last place this brave young girl lived out the last days of her life.
“where there is life, there is hope.” anne frank. she was so young and had done nothing to deserve what was going to happen to her and her loved ones. don’t worry i am not about to compare myself to anne frank. we all have words that touch us deeply and guide us through life. these seven words have gotten me through some pretty extreme situations. after all if this young girl could be so incredibly brave and still believe there is hope how can i not?
these past two weeks have definitely challenged my desire to honor these brave words. it has been a two full weeks since i went to the dr. at the time i mentioned having all the symptoms of a sinus infection. these are routine for me and expected on a regular basis. later that evening i was coughing uncontrollably and realized that i had been doing so for at least a week maybe two prior to this visit. as the days went on i had fever and the exhaustion became worse. the feeling of drowning whenever i tried to lie down convinced me that i most likely had pneumonia. i have had this before, however, since the symptoms can indicate other illnesses it can be difficult to nail down (without an x-ray that is). the dr had given me antibiotics so i thought and still do think that it is just a matter of time for it to clear up.
tonight i am not so sure. maybe i haven’t been sure for two weeks. where there is life there is hope i tell myself. our family had been planning for months to all meet in hilton head, south carolina. there was going to be a car show and everyone had the bug to share this event. as the time came closer, it was this weekend, it became clear that i would not be able to go. although angie had been a part of the planning and had some great ideas for family fun time away from the car show. she immediately stepped up and insisted she stay home with me. my sweet man was so torn i felt relieved when he finally headed out. up to the last moment he would say “what if something happens while i’m not here?”
whether it is from the anemia or the heart failure or the possible pneumonia my exhaustion reached a new high. sleeping was and is difficult. if i lie down my breathing becomes strained and rattles. i use my inhalers with little to no effect. dozing for periods of time only to wake in near panic as my breathing becomes impossible. the fluid retention is more serious than it has been to date. if i thought i had difficulty before this raises the bar to an all new high.
let me walk you through this. if i were to stand behind you with my hands locked around you in the position to perform the traditional motion for someone choking, then suddenly squeeze and push against your solar plexus you would experience what i am on a continuous basis. this isn’t to elicit sympathy. i say this in order for my next thought to be easier to understand. these words that have resonated with me for most of my life have taken on a new vision.
i see this young girl writing in her diary what a young girl believes, where there is life, there is hope. it was the hope of a young girl who had not yet truly lived her life. she hoped for an end to this insanity that had her life on hold. on the other hand i am on the other end of the time line. i have hope, it just isn’t the hope of a young girl with her whole life ahead of her. tomorrow i go to get cross typed and matched for the blood transfusion i am to receive on tuesday. it has to be done through the outpatient dept due to the congestive heart failure. transfusions are risky for us. it is clear to all that i need this, my concern is with my obvious increased fluid retention i may not be a candidate. my hope is that i am able to have the transfusion. if not then i hope for relief to come after the holidays. i ask for this not for myself but for my family. it would forever leave a dark cloud over future holidays for my grandchildren. for the rest of their life it would be sitting there in their heart.
so here is my where there is life there is hope, i hope to spare my loved ones the memory of this loss to be forever linked to what should be a joyful time of year. i hope to see them over the next couple of months. i hope to leave with dignity. i hope to leave knowing that those i love feel my love for them. and dare i hope for you? i hope that you know the kind of peace of mind and heart that i have been blessed with. i hope that you are loved the way we are meant to be loved. i hope that you leave that door open no matter what has happened in your past.
October 15, 2015 at 9:49 am (Uncategorized) (acceptance, atlanta traffic, congestive heart failure, congestive heart failure and exhaustion, end stage congestive heart failure, how it feels to die, kidney failure, life is suffering, living with dying)
so after much hard work and effort angie accepted a great job in her field. i am so happy for her and it is with great satisfaction that i share this time with her. if she had not made the move across country i would not be able to share the joy of her success. it is much the same as seeing your child find their path in life. she is in a healthy relationship, has family around her to love and support her and now the career is back on track and even better (hopefully) than what she left behind. i feel like the proud mother who has lived long enough to see that she is settled and has left some of her struggles behind.
as she is working in atlanta, about an hour drive but with rush hour traffic more like 3 hours. much like san francisco or any other metropolitan city there are things going on so she can enjoy some down time after work then drive home. the part that is an adjustment for us is the time we were able to spend together is now more limited. this is the natural order of life and not a bad thing. it just is.
a few years ago we were friends with a young woman who had recently broken up with her partner and the person she saw herself with for years to come. at the time she was late 20’s early 30’s. her friends all have careers and families so their ability to be available was not the same as mine. she would call and ask if we could go to lunch, dinner, get our nails done or catch a movie. at the time i still got out a few days per week so this was enjoyable. one day i was talking with her and told her that soon she would be on the mend and back to spending time with her friends, maybe even a new love. it was important to me that she know before this happened that i was ok, i not only expected this but wanted it for her. she is now married and has a busy career. i have not seen her in probably 2 years. my world is growing smaller and so this is as it needs to be.
i have always thought being content was what humans strive for in life. as a child my environment was poor in material resources but rich in this feeling of quiet and satisfaction with life. as i got older it was obvious that too many were unhappy with their life and wanted some undefinable “thing” that was always just out of their grasp. oh they would be happy for a period of time but then you could feel the restlessness driving them on. this is not to say we are not to set goals for ourselves i just think there are times those goals are our undoing.
this all leads to a conversation she and i had last night. i made her cry and if you know one thing about me it is my love and desire that no one suffer is in conflict with the realization that life is suffering. with suffering we are made present in this shell we call our body, with suffering we understand true joy when we experience it. no i do not advocate suffering, i just know that it is. we were talking about my fluid retention and the lack of alternatives since i am in more advanced kidney disease.
A: there has to be something they can do
me: no, sometimes there is this beautiful thing…. acceptance. there isn’t always going to be one more thing to do.
A: (she tears up and turns her head away) i know….
me: you know i always thought there is one more thing to try, one more way to look at a problem. sometimes there is just no more to do.
what she may not know is it breaks my heart to see her suffer. i know that she must go through this as we all do, if i could spare her or anyone i love the pain i know they will feel i certainly would. that would deny them the beauty of acceptance though and i would not wish that for them either. sometimes there is great beauty in suffering, there is the beauty of acceptance.
October 7, 2015 at 11:17 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, death with dignity, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
a couple of nights ago i was sitting here asking myself just how bad does it have to get before i get off this ride? for a couple of weeks my ability to breathe has gotten worse. that sounds so minor when i read it. try to imagine that you can’t say more than one word without gasping for breath. walking from one room to another is the same as running 10 miles, having a conversation becomes more effort than it is worth. eating is difficult ,even if you have not eaten for over 24 hours, so much so that you gasp in between bites until you give in and just give up. i say this not to complain, rather to explain how a person can reach the end of their hope for a better day tomorrow or even soon.
while i am thinking about this angie and i decide to watch a dr. phil that i had recorded one day. i try to record a wide variety of shows that i can watch either on my own, with chris or with angie. some times it is tough to find something that isn’t a program i enjoy just with either one of them. not this one because he and i always watch this or not this one because angie and i enjoy watching it together. they both love funny and they both love the british mysteries and comedies.
back to dr. phil, this show was about a young man who has stage 4 liver cancer. three years ago he was given 6 mos. to live. the show was about his parents being upset that his wife is emotionally abusive to him. of course there is always so much more to the story. the young man’s name is nick and his her name is star. the parents say that star hits their son, refuses to take him for treatment, has had multiple affairs and on and on. she says they both get physical and he is much larger than her, he is skeletal and weak looking. she is at least two feet shorter than him. most of the time was just accusations flying back and forth. nick even complained that his parents get in the middle. finally the good dr says they (parents and wife) need to just shut-up. very professional:) and my thoughts exactly.
bottom line the wife is told she doesn’t have the right to waste one minute of this man’s time. the parents get a dressing down as well. why isn’t anyone asking how to make his life better phil asks. his parents seem to think if he came home where he was living before he was diagnosed he could live longer. they also seem to think star wants the life insurance.
one thing lost in all the noise, as far as i was concerned, is just how difficult life can be when one partner has a terminal illness. star brought this up, she went in to how she is the only one working (he is a veteran but got ill after discharge), they have two children to care for and it is a nine hour trip one way to go for his treatment which is once per month. she asked if she had a right to some happiness in her life and while i was thinking of course she does, no one else seemed to hear her.
living with someone who has a chronic or terminal illness is not for the faint of heart. one of the reasons i am so grateful to my sister for moving here is so my honey can have a life. he doesn’t want to go anywhere without me due to his concern for my having an emergency while he is not here. however, i try to remind him that he cannot just sit here next to me all the time. he will go to play bridge on thursday afternoons but not to eat with his friends afterward unless i go too. he plays poker once a month but there have been times he has not wanted to go because he was worried about me. we have gotten past these times but i have to say things are much easier now that she is here. of course i worried about her in the beginning. it seemed like she was taking things to seriously. now that she has been here for a few months she goes out every day with a friend or to yoga classes. she still drives me to almost all appts. monday she starts a new job and so her life will go back to more normal.
putting all this in to prospective helps. yes i am getting worse and there are times i wonder when is it ok to say enough is enough? as much as i love my family and want to spend however long i can with them i also know that they would not want me to suffer past a certain point. finding that point seems more difficult at times like these. what i know for sure is i would not want to be in nick’s shoes. i am grateful for the family and friends i have been blessed with for sure. it would be better to be alone going through this than to be with the kind of people he is dealing with. actually i don’t think you have to be terminally ill to know that you want to be treated with love and kindness by those in your life.
September 24, 2015 at 5:02 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, loving your sibling, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
at the end of my day yesterday i sat in our double recliner, feet up and a cozy throw on my legs. i couldn’t help but smile. it was a particularly tough day physically. i had some errands to run, angie and i wanted to spend some time together so off we go.
as of late my physical symptoms have escalated. this comes as no surprise and yet we are somehow, briefly surprised and even confused. walking 15-20 feet can leave me breathless and with chest pain. during the day we accommodated my failing heart the best we could. our last stop i could feel my heart struggling to keep up with my mind. we laughed and made bad jokes that might meet with disapproval from others. this time has been so precious for us both.
me: i am so lucky.
her: why do you say that you’re lucky?
me: just think about it, i am here with you, i have a loving husband and friends. i have lived my life the way i wanted, having adventures others might only dream of.
at this point i talked about even the most mundane pleasures, having a washer and dryer, i hated going to the laundrymat! to have air conditioning during these hot summer days, central heat during the winter are gifts i never take for granted. to have the last job be the job of my dreams. surrounded by family, friends and cats that i adore make me one of the luckiest women alive.
each day when i wake i take a moment to think about the many wonderful days i have had. there may not be so many ahead of me but that matters little to me now. if i shed a tear now it is for my loved ones who will hurt when i leave. until that last breathe and perhaps beyond i will know that i am one lucky woman. i think of that little boy washing up on the beach and i cry for him and his loved ones. his mother and brother also died at that time. to think of their suffering and the young lives not lived to their fullest. too many take this offering called life for granted. they don’t fully appreciate what they have been given. i do not judge them, i just feel so sorry for them. we all deserve to love our life and to feel as though we are lucky to have this life.
September 7, 2015 at 9:49 pm (Uncategorized)
our new house sits out in an area that, although it is only blocks from our other house, had been left to go wild. when we bought the other house the economy was just months from a big down turn in the economy. as a result, the land where this house sits, this property was allowed to go back to nature.
my man is a nature lover. my sister and i love nature. we love the earth and do what we can to honor her. however, my sister and i draw a line when it comes to bugs and spiders that look like they could attack us. we do not believe these critters belong inside or on the door which we feel suggests their intent to enter the house. he uses a glass inverted to pick up intruders only to set them free outside the door. we use magazines (not to be read), newspapers and on rare occasions a shoe.
this is relevant, trust me, to this story. as i said in the last post ang and i were discussing which frog would cross the finish line first. out of the blue she says it’s going to be a spider bite! i said it would be a brown recluse. so that is how it all ends my friends, i get bitten by a brown recluse spider,
September 7, 2015 at 2:56 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, end stage congestive heart failure, frog jumping, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, lupus, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
Hello Sandra, It looks like Tanya has already scheduled your appointment with Dr. Hanley? The ANA is the preliminary blood test that we use to check for a autoimmune disease such as Lupus. This is the reason that we referred you to Rheumatology. We will be more than happy to go over this in more detail when you come for your appointment with Dr. Hanley if you have any additional questions. THANKS and have a great day!
so now i could have lupus?? it might just be the rheumatoid arthritis. well not likely but i like to think that may be it. angie looked it up and really there is nothing new that i am not already experiencing. that is the good news for me i think.
he has gone to bed and now we have our girl time. we have certain shows we watch that he wouldn’t enjoy. it is our time to just hang and talk smack frankly. we also just have this time when we are together and no words are needed. one of the best things is we have a similar sense of humor. we know that we would never say these things to others as they might not understand that we could laugh at some of the things that make us cry laughing so hard.
angie asked me about my pain and what happens when i am unable to wake enough to get up. she wants to understand, she came to our room more than once trying to stir me. one time she read me an article about washing blue jeans. her ex boyfriend would tell her he didn’t need to wash his jeans. my own man has baffled me with this argument for not washing his jeans as often as i would think necessary. he is otherwise a clean man and dresses very well when leaving the house. i can remember basic facts of this article, i can remember her voice. i love her voice! it is so expressive and usually has this hint of laughter just waiting to break out.
i tell her briefly what it is like to lay there and drift off when there is a part of me that screams at this body to respond. get up….. get moving…. the day is passing and you are not participating.
me- you know what i really think about this new problem? it is much like the frog jumping contest they have in california each year. you know they line these frogs up and one may start jumping straight ahead while the others may go off in other directions or just sit still and make no move. well those frogs are my diseases or disorders. one is congestive heart failure, another is kidney failure and so on with the liver failure, internal bleeding and now we add in lupus. one of them is going to cross the line and kill me. we were laughing and imitating those frogs! then i said – you know i am so relieved to have you here and be able to laugh about this stuff. as we are laughing she says “yeah, us and our demented sense of humor.”
well i would rather have a demented sense of humor than to be crying over this journey. now we just have to decide which frog we are going to bet on. anyone want to place a bet?
as the office worker said in her message, Thanks and have a great day!
September 3, 2015 at 10:11 pm (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
we (younger sister and i) are talking about long-term relationships.
me- can you believe we have been married 20 years??? well together for 23
her- it doesn’t seem that long. can you believe i stayed with …. (he who will be unnamed) for so long?
me- i stayed married to the first one for 10 yrs and got divorced right around that 10 year mark. the second one he died just before our 10 mark. it never occurred to me that i would be with anyone for that long. wowow, it really has been over 20 years. i kind of worried if someone was married for too long they would run out of things to say to each other.
she- oh i know, i’ve seen those couples! can you imagine?
me- that would be me, one day just say “that’s it, that’s all i got.” can you imagine saying that to someone?? what would he say if i just looked at him and said “i got nothing for you.”
at this point we are laughing and moving on to other topics as we often do. we all laugh more since she has arrived. the cats adore her, well ling tolerates her but then she barely tolerates me:) she is part of the family and fits well with all concerned. our friends love her and she is making new friends each day. all though we are all here together it works great for her to have the rooms upstairs and we are downstairs. we share the downstairs actually, of course the living room, dining and kitchen.
she comes in to wake me up and much like when she was a baby she can make me smile the moment i know she is there. unlike my sweetie, she is more persistent when she knows i really want to be up and going. this morning she brought the time magazine i bought with the article on donald trump. after a good laugh at his expense, i was ready and able to get in the shower and she was off doing whatever it is she does:)
she has taken me to hair appointments, nails, shopping and of course the ever-present doctor appointments. we have had some conversations about my feelings of no hospital. actually she was completely supportive of me not going in last week. at first she had questions and thought if it would make me better then i should go in. when we got down to it and how going in will not make me better, it will just make the doctors feel better. by the way it is now in my permanent record that i “refused to go to the e.r.” ask me if i care! i find it funny but understand they are trying to cover themselves and avoid a lawsuit. now she is supportive and understands that i will not die in a hospital if it is at all avoidable.
not that she let’s me slide on blood work! actually she is a little nag about those things. at my last appointment with the nephrologist he gave me lots of numbers and most of them i remember what they mean. just before leaving his office i asked for the bottom line, what is my kidney function percentage? he is slow to look up and when he does he clearly says 36%. it takes me a moment before i ask, so i know some organs don’t function at 100% as we age so to put this in perspective what percentage should i be at? again he takes a moment before saying “they should be high 90’s to 100”
even at 36% i am not in need of dialysis yet. they did test and know i have rheumatoid arthritis, so another doctor. for so many months i went without a doctor. we have all experienced that bubble when we first go in and suddenly we can’t get off this ride. i am getting ready to say “i got nothing for ya.” the last few times i have gone in the well was dry. i am tempted to say, i already told you everything so …… unless you have something new? oh wait i did that and they are sending me to a rhuematologist. all i know is i am over this getting caught up with the new doctor.
my computer battery is almost dead so i guess this is all for now. life is good regardless of what percentage my kidneys work at, life is good and maybe in part because my kidneys work at 36%. each day i know that i am blessed to be breathing, laughing and loving.
August 18, 2015 at 4:02 am (Uncategorized) (congestive heart failure, end stage congestive heart failure, heart failure and exhaustion, how does it feel to die, kidney failure, living with dying, the dr. says, waiting for the end)
after being out of the room for a few minutes i am greeted with –
him: your doctor just called.
him: he said your lab work is back. your potassium is high and he wants you to go to the emergency room.
me: ok, well what else did he say?
him: just that you need to go to the emergency room.
me: well that’s not happening.
he is concerned and wants to know why not. i laugh and say all the right things. it is a waste of time and resources. i have an appointment with the nephrologist on friday after all. high levels of potassium are related to kidney failure and heart failure. going to the e.r. won’t change anything, this cannot be fixed. if going to the hospital would put my health back to normal then i would be on the road to the closest e.r.
my sister has been out and comes in with lots of information from a camping/hiking class she has attended. earlier on the phone she told me she had some exciting news. once in the door she asks and i tell her we want to hear her news first. she tells us about some news that she is indeed very excited about and asks about our excitement. i laugh and say it wasn’t really exciting, after hearing what the dr said she asks what we are going to do. i give her a quick run down and she looks to him while asking how he feels about my not going in. if i could love either of them more it would be at this moment. he says he trusts my decision, believing me to be an informed patient (i hate that word) he agrees with my logic.
later she asks me more about going in and all i can say is #1 – there is nothing being an inpatient would change. #2 we are way too busy for this, tomorrow is her birthday and i am not going to spend it in the hospital. wednesday we are getting our hair done, i am seeing way too much gray! thursday is bridge for chris and i enjoy going to dinner afterward with players who meet each thursday after their game. friday he has poker and she is going to a concert with h. saturday he leaves for charleston and i know he won’t go and do any of these things if i am either in the hospital or seem “ill” to him.
there is a saying, and i paraphrase here, it is regarding how we think we have all the time in the world and that is our problem in life. i understand this and feel blessed to know that my time is limited. it makes life all the sweeter. as i see it in some ways we have all the time in this world. no need to rush, enjoy life. stop and smell the roses as they say. for me time has gone all too fast, i will not waste it with visits to the hospital. i will eat cake (birthday), get this hair dyed, have dinner with our friends and best of all? i will spend each moment living, loving and laughing! what could be better than that?