yesterday Sandra went out to do a few things. when she returned home around one she had a great difficulty getting out of the car and then in the house in walking. she also experienced an uncontrolled shaking of her arms. she experienced great weakness in her legs and choking feeling of not getting enough air. this was a new event, during last evening she ran a high temp and was in a great deal of overall pain. this morning after spending the night in the living room she awoke still in pain with a numb left foot. she called dr s and we are going to see him at four. I feel scared and helpless.
early in the first stages of this blog I spoke about the right to die with dignity. there had been a show on dr oz with terminally ill patients who wanted the right to die with dignity. it roused real anger in my heart to hear some in the audience say things like just let them stop eating, drinking or taking their medication.
I wanted to scream at the t.v. and ask why should the ill have to suffer even more to end their suffering? William peace was in that audience and gave me a different perspective.
now I have passed the 6 year mark and I am so grateful for that gift. I am also not as sure as I once had been about the timing of such an ending. let me start by confessing I had a little meltdown the other night. it was just this feeling that came over me and I felt myself just slipping away from this journey.
for a short time I sat in the living room with our cats. then I felt like I was making a choice and if I wanted to stay, to hang on here I would need to connect with my love. the thing that happened next made me realize how afraid I am for him. there is absolutely no fear in death for me it is all about who is going to take care of him? who is going to help him navigate a world that is changing and he doesn’t understand what is happening.
clearly I would never ask him to be involved with my choice to leave on my own terms. there are certain things I feel we have no right to ask of those we love. to know that he will go on after I am gone makes a difference in the choices I make. it isn’t that I feel he can’t replace me or be happy without me. as a matter of fact I am so hopeful it will be just the opposite. I hope for him to have many happy years with or without me.
does anyone know how to turn off this auto capitalization? I have never capitalized the I and so each time I see it happen it feels like I am being inauthentic somehow. being my last thoughts, feelings and words it important that they belong to me and are written in the form my comfortable to me.
bottom line I am learning that leaving is not as easy as I originally thought it would be.
it was late last night when i wrote my last post about public displays of affection and loving comments.
i regret not including the full and accurate comment from my friend and fellow blogger judy. after re-reading her blog i mentioned i felt i needed to share this with you. the following is an actual qoute from that post i mentioned. her words are so tender and kind. i simply realized after reading this post that chris and i tend to forget there people around us.
judy’s words to me in comment to my last post-
Oh, Sandra – when I saw your title for this post, I could relate immediately because I love comments, too. Especially yours! I saw you mentioned me and didn’t see that as criticism. But I do want to clarify what I said because it’s important for me. Here are my exact words on the blogpost:
I instantly noticed how tenderly Chris held Sandra’s hand. As those songs began to play, he stroked her hand and laid his head upon her shoulder. His eyes were large and his body lightly twitched as he began to silently cry. I could not watch. My heart ached for this man who loved his wife so much and knew he might lose her at any time.”
My difficulty watching your interchange was because I was so fearful of the impending grief that Chris is facing. And rightfully so because you love each other so deeply. I don’t have difficulty watching displays of love and affection – but pain is hard to watch.
I’m so glad you got out yesterday. Knowing you two have these special moments always touches my heart.
judy i want to thank you for this comment and clarification. even as i wrote about your post i realized i was tired and not doing it or you justice.
i wanted to share a few other comments that touched me and gave me a smile.
Angie also known as the younger sister- as most of you know we are closer than average sisters:) she has been the true love of my life since the day she was born. i will be here for her as long as i am breathing and i know in my heart of hearts that she is going to continue to be a support and voice of love mixed with some great humor!
I think we need more PDA. I love when I catch a couple being loving to each other, or two people flirting, it’s a rare sighting these days.
Terry who is a fellow blogger and friend said-
When IAm out I am forced to see arguing, teens showing butt cracks from too low shorts, sometimes kids that seem not too well taken care of. I wou,s smile and keep my dream alive by watching a hug or kiss, or holding hands. To not be ashamed is wonderful. To not be fearful to show by demonstration your feelings, G-rated of course. Lol is more than awesome. Love and hugs my friend. Keep up the good work
terry suffered the lose of her beloved brother recently and yet she still takes the time to read and comment. i have great respect and admiration for you terry.
Julia my friend whom i love like family since the first time we met. she is brilliant and able to sum things up in few words.
Generally people who are “uncomfortable with you” are uncomfortable with themselves and need to work on that.
Prenin another fellow blogger that i have come to love and care for as a friend. he is so kind and loving it makes my heart ache that he suffers the things he does. i did not copy his complete response as it contained part of his pain and i felt only he has the right to share that when and with whom he chooses.
I LIVE for HUGS!!!
i have great appreciation to all who take the time to read my posts and to those who comment, i hope you all know just how much i appreciate your words of support and kindness. as i said in the other post i also appreciate the comments that make me stop and think.