to my step-friends heather and kristen, the best son-in-law and most wonderful sister ever!!

September 19, 2014 at 2:52 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

so much to say and so little energy to say it. much has happened over the past couple of  weeks and i think about sharing it and how i am feeling. the problem is i am so exhausted even typing is a great effort.

it has been just over a week since my last fall.  there is no denying something is off here. life goes on though as we all know.  a few days later my sister arrived to help celebrate chris birthday.  it is a big one, his 80th.  we have invited all the kids and grandkids to come for a few days.  rooms rented for most with angie staying here at our home. one of the most wonderful parts of this gathering is how all the kids play well together and our adult kids get along with each other plus my sister fits in like one of the family.

as usual sleep is the great clown in my life.  there will be days when i just need to sleep almost constantly then i will be awake all night and not collapse until late. i had prepared one dish that would cook for most of the morning and afternoon. angie decided she would cook some fried chicken. it all seemed to be coming together. our understanding was the family would all arrive around 2 p.m., well it didn’t work that way.  the oldest son who has just returned from the bahamas and was a bit worried about the drive as he had not driven in large towns such as atlanta for years.  his wife maggie is so funny as she tells me joel wanted to leave at 3 a.m. to head to our home.  she put her foot down and they didn’t leave until 5 a.m.

chris was up already when they arrived at 9 a.m. angie and i were both just getting into the shower when they arrived.  it turned out great though since it gave us time with  this part of our family after only seeing them once a year. i have to say i am quite in love with my bahama boys and their parents.

kristen, bill and their 2 kids showed up exactly on time. heather was taking it slow and didn’t want to come until 3. our kristin is quite the planner and it is a little joke between us. she says “want me to put on the headphones?” that is our joke for her to take over. she gets people moving.  meanwhile my sister is cooking chicken. there were some cocktails consumed i must admit.

let’s not leave bill out.  if you are a Facebook friend you may notice that bill woodward and i have some back and forth on political issues.  some might think we couldn’t possibly be in the same room together. well you would be so wrong! when we are together nothing matters except our love and respect for each other.  he is the best father and i could not ask for a better son-in-law. he is quick to do whatever he can to make life easier for me. his kindness is limitless

the angina has kicked in and i can barely breath. the pain takes over and i have to take a few minutes in our room to rest and try to get my breath back.  heather notices my hands are shaking as i take something from the fridge and she just grabs it without making a big deal out of what she sees.  later i try to pick up the ice cream and it drops to the ground making a mess. bill grabs a wet rag and cleans the floor with a joke and puts me at ease.

chris is so happy and all the work has been worth it for me and for the rest of the family.  i am able to take short breaks and the next day when bill and kristen make breakfast i am unable to eat with them but do get up to say goodbye.

saying goodbye is tough. there are going to be many goodbyes in the near future.  i can feel the pain in my liver, then my kidneys, the angina pain sings it’s song and let’s not forget the back and legs that suffered severe injury while i was in the army.

on monday, his actual birthday, my sister was flying home and so another goodbye.  i just want her to stay. she has such great energy and is  a loving sister.  she is funny and has great plans for the future.  i love that she is including me in those plans.  it implies her belief in my life is not over and then we hug.  after a sleepless night i head to the historic hotel in atlanta where i have made reservations for the night.  we check in without baggage and i feel a bit naughty.  i had taken my insulin but not eaten so we head straight for the restaurant.  it was difficult to eat and all i wanted was to curl up and sleep.

with apologies and regret i send him off to dinner with our girl heather at our favorite place in atlanta.  i get room service and get cozy on the couch of our suite.  thanks to heather stopping at cvs and getting my back heating pad i am able to get through the pain and sleep.

looking back i see so much activity with a side of pain.  it was a group effort and i feel better about leaving him.  they are going to take care of him. all i have to do is make sure all the information they need to move things along for him.  he will be ok. he has many who love him and want to take care of him.  what a relief, i can go when the time is right. he will be good, he will be loved. he will always has my love and i hope he never forgets that.

 

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death brings clarity

September 9, 2014 at 1:45 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

dying has many affects on us that we may not notice ever or at least for some time.  i look back on my life and can say looking back that i lived much of my life this way.  any of us can be struck with a chronic or terminal illness without notice. so i say to you, as my husband often says, carpe diem! it is one of his many tried and true, life theories.

after reading this i really wanted to share it with others. knowing that my death grows ever closer does change how i think, how i prioitize my waking hours. to do things that bring joy and pleasure to us hits high on the list. i do not want to waste precious hours with people who don’t give back. after years of giving of myself and even now i find i want to give when i can. the difference is now i think about getting something back. of course volunteering or donating is done purely with no thought other than making a difference for someone else when and where i can.

1. THINK ABOUT DEATH
Reflecting on death might not be what comes to mind when you want to tackle your to-do list, but studies find it helps you re-prioritize your goals and values. Buddhist teachings encourage reflections of death with the idea that a better understanding of mortality also helps us better understand our purpose in life.

IF TODAY WERE THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE, WOULD I WANT TO DO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DO TODAY?
Steve Jobs believed thinking about death helped him make better decisions. In his famous 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University, Jobs said that he looked in the mirror every morning and asked himself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” If the answer was “no” for too many consecutive days, Jobs knew something needed to change. He told the graduates that year:

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything–all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure–these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

In 2012, artist Candy Chang gave a TED talk titled “Before I die, I want to…” where she explains how easy it is to get caught up in the day-to-day and thinking about death is a way to bring busy people back to clarity.

though i have been blessed with clarity it is an honor to watch some of those around me also embrace this new outlook.

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where the stream of thought can take you

September 3, 2014 at 10:47 pm (Uncategorized)

one thing about being in pain ,or just being so exhausted that activity of any sort is out of the question, you have plenty of time to think.  after a few hours i realized just how many different twists and turns these thoughts take during these times.  after so many years of almost hyper-focus it is interesting to realize how easy it can be to let your mind sort of free float.

my first thought in this sequence was regarding my own insecurities.  the sound of my voice has always been something i strongly dislike, as a child i had little to say.  for most of my early years my grandmother would sit me somewhere out of the way, or as i was older i would find my own corner, and adults would often forget i was in the room.

from this i started asking myself how i had done some of the things i have with this inability to feel worthy.  while i was in the army it was more about action not one person standing out.  throwing myself into each mission with all i had in me earned me the respect of my fellow soldiers.  they always knew that i would be there for them.

while i worked at Diogenes i had the opportunity to once again to work with people who didn’t judge me by my ability to speak in public. every week i would be tasked with some speaking  event. lucky for me i had the good luck to work with a couple of therapists who didn’t mind speaking, and they were excellent.  strange that i was the “director” but never felt like  one.  we were a team just like in the army.  these were my guys and i would have given my life for them.  time after time these guys stepped in to save my bacon.

my dedication to my guys in the army is how my back and legs were injured. the drs didn’t even offer me rehab. no one thought i would walk again. for a few months i was in a wheelchair.  one of the techs remarked what muscular legs i had. for years i was a runner. it was the thing that kept me sane in the middle of insanity. so began the rehab on my own. of course i would never run again but i do walk. i have walked with great pain, sit with great pain, lay with great pain.  there was a miracle in this though, the miracle of being alive and walking. no one would know unless they were extremely close how difficult just walking was for me.

now my love and devotion belong to family and a group of friends.  do they know about my insecurities? have they ever thought about them? my dear man knows but finds it hard to believe with all have been able to do. what he doesn’t understand is the cost to me when we socialize.  funny though i love to have friends over.  to know they accept me for who i am and my limited abilities is the one thing that makes me forget my insecurities for that moment.

my friends here see the insecurities and yet they support me and care for me.  how lucky am i to have such friends? though i have a few friends in the real world it is the virtual friends who reach out to me and really hear what i am saying.  for this you have my undying love.  it is my greatest wish to meet you all and give you a real hug and to thank you for being here for me.

we will not be taking a big trip this year.  it makes no sense and would be a waste of money. we can take shorter trips that will give us just as much pleasure and take some of the pressure of my love.  if anyone has more insecurities than me it is he.  i have found my insecurities can be pushed aside and i am ready for action when it comes to my family and friends.

when my younger sister gets here next week all insecurities disappear. i am up for anything with her. as a matter of fact we are getting a tattoo! i will try to post a picture of them when we are properly marked for posterity.

my last thoughts were i may need to hire someone for part of a day once a week to run errands and to just help with household duties i no longer have the energy to perform.

next week my sister will be here, all the kids and grandkids will be here for the big birthday celebration!  it will take everything in me to be up and making sure all goes well. of course i have my sister who will help, my step-friends who never ask just jump in to make things work. i will take are to shop for all we need and they will make sure it all makes it out and then gets cleaned up.

on the monday we take angie back to the airport and i have made reservations at a posh, historic hotel in atlanta. we will have dinner at one of our favorite places and invite our step-friend heather to join us.

for those who have come late to this party my step-friends are my step-daughters. they brought out my worst insecurities and still do.  all i want is for them to care/love me the way i do them. much like my sister i would do anything for them.  i have come to accept there are family members who will never be a part of these last days, months or dare i say years?

to know and appreciate the love and support of those who over look my short comings is indeed a blessing. to honor his insecurities has made it easy to forget about my own insecurities.

one thing i am not insecure about is our love and commitment to each other. another is the love my sister and i have for each other. actually i am not insecure about dying. when it comes i will be ready. as of late i have thought of a few more instructions i need to leave for chris. it will be my sister or one of my step-friends who see him through all the details. doing this helps me to know i will help him deal with his insecurities.

insecurities are not the worst thing to happen to a person. this is one down falling that i can consider not the worst of my faults. i know my own faults and accept them for what they are. it is not my place to judge any one else’s faults. it is my calling to support them while they work through them if the want.

it is not our place to judge other’s, there is plenty of judgement out there in the world. too many people have made it their lives work to point out others short comings while avoiding their own issues.

start today, don’t judge the person who cuts you off in traffic. you have no idea what they are going through. don’t take it personally. that person did not say to themselves oh look i am going cut off that person just to make them mad. no they are thinking of what is going on in their life and make the decisions based on that. so for today don’t judge one person today and see what you learn about yourself and others.

 

 

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magic in the moonlight? only if you believe

August 27, 2014 at 8:35 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

woody allen’s latest movie, magic in the moonlight was not well reviewed by the critics and only gained one more star from the public.

we are fans of his films not necessarily of his personal life.  over the years we have enjoyed his quirky films and this was no different. after seeing  the movie we discussed not only the movie but why would it only get 2 stars out of 5 from the critics.  colin ferril and emma stone played the main characters but the whole cast was marvelous on their own.

there were enough twists and turns to make it pleasurable.  the problem was the title or so i believe.  the title leads you to believe (spoiler alert if you have not seen and plan to see this movie!) that at some point there will be a romantic scene involving the moonlight.

one critic wrote “there is no magic in the moonlight.”  the whole idea of magic is, i believe, very personal.  what inspires awe in us varies greatly. personally we often go out at night to view the moon and stars. it inspires us to hold each other and take that moment to feel the magic of the moonlight.

we all find magic in our own ways. i find magic in the love of my family and friends. magic in the love we have for our cats and they for us. magic surrounds us and enfolds us in its arms.  we just have to be open to the possibilities.

this is one of the things i so admire about my younger sister, she is so open to new possibilities.  soon she will be taking the town of cartersville georgia by storm! i am so proud of her for stepping out of the box to find her true calling and the  life path that will bring her the most real contentment and happiness she so deserves.

we all deserve to have that magic in our life. we just have to be willing to open that door and step through.  magic in the moonlight is worth the risk. i know, i stepped through that door many times and there were times i experienced great suffering yet there was great reward in the end.

that is my wish for you, that you accept the magic all around you. embrace the moonlight. i know each one may be my last. so i will not waste one chance to look at it and hug the man i love.  don’t forget to hug those you love, of course that is if they are huggers:)

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disappointment leads to opportunities

August 22, 2014 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

recently we realized that the trip we had planned for october was just not a good idea.  the itinerary was to travel to san francisco, pick up my sister and drive along the coast to monterey, carmel, big sur then back up to napa valley and mendocino.

i had checked on plane tickets and chris had been putting off choosing our flights there and home. a few days ago i tried to pin him down before the prices went up.  after avoiding the conversation we needed to have, he started talking.

the next few minutes just broke my heart. not for myself but for this wonderful and loving man that i am so blessed to have in my life for 22 years.  i could see the anxiety in his face, feel it in his voice and body.  the last thing he wanted to do was disappoint me, there was just so much fear for him.

i am not supposed to fly, however, we have taken 2 trips that meant being in a plane for 2 hours and that seemed to be my limit. then last december we flew to sacramento calif and this flight was close to 5 hours. there is no point going into details but by the end of the trip we were both concerned i wouldn’t make it back home.  now he is just plain afraid that i might not even make it to california. after listening to his concerns i realized that i would be ok not going on this trip. his peace of mind was much more important. he so seldom asks me not to do something that i had to let this go.

we went on to talk about where our next adventure could be. see he is not asking me to stop seeing new places, he is not asking me to give traveling which he knows i love.  this is a part of our lives that we both enjoy and don’t want to give up.  we talked about new adventures that are just waiting out there for us.

since we were not going to see my sister angie, chris said we could bring her out to georgia.  when i told her of course she was disappointed but happy to come out here. now the plan is for her to come out she was excited.  his birthday is next month and it is a big one.  son joel with his wife maggie and their 2 boys, daughter kristen, son-in-law bill along with my grandson and granddaughter, oldest daughter who lives in atlanta and my sister will all be here to celebrate this time of his life.

some may say not going to california is a disappointment, we say this opens the doors to new opportunities.  wow life is just so darn good!

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robin williams and making the choice

August 15, 2014 at 1:43 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

the world is in mourning for the brilliant and talented robin williams. what we didn’t know was he had been diagnosed with PD. it would seem he made the choice not to live with the disease and the consequences.  my sister and i knew immediately that there was more to the story when we first heard about the tragedy. for his family i feel such sorrow. although i have this feeling his wife knew exactly what he was planning.  when you work in the psych field for a long time certain things pop out at you.

this has been a heck of a day. of course we all have them and being terminally ill does not make you immune.  to begin with i will not be able to make our trip to california. it would seem i will never see california again in this lifetime, this journey.  the great news is my sister angie is going to come out here and will be here for chris’ birthday.  i am so grateful we have the kind of relationship where i can call her up and say our plans have changed but let’s make new ones she is quick to change gears. so it’s all good.

we are having insane trouble with one of our tenants, the good news is we have new tenants at another property who have sort of stepped up and are helping us out.  after the day i have had today it is nice to have that kind of support.

my long time primary care dr had been trying to call me for a couple of days and the basic conversation was that i can not make any more long trips, it is too risky. poor chris told me last night that it scares him to think of me dying while we are on some trip.  i laughed and said i have to die somewhere so what difference does it make?  realizing how important this is to him i decided to honor his concern and make some compromises.  then this call from the dr.  the dr says my liver is getting worse and i don’t feel it is the time to share this with him. there are too many things going on and he will become frustrated and much like the deer in the headlights he will just freeze.  knowing this i have a responsility to protect him and slow things down. if other’s have a problem with this it is their problem.

tonight i realized that some of his feelings are fragile in areas that i understand and plan to make up to him. he deserves to be treated with respect.  it is my goal to make sure he is my priority and the love of my life. when you are fortunate enough to have this kind of love you want to care for it like the precious gift it is.

tomorrow is a new day and i for one am really looking forward to  that new start.  we will take a deep breath and renew our vow to love and honor each other every moment of every day.

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it has been a while

August 11, 2014 at 12:28 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

so where to start? guess i will start with being so ill for a few weeks and still not where i was before it happened.  the dr said it could be bacterial pneumonia, sepsis or early kidney failure.  i made a recommendation about another possibility and he agreed. what i felt sorry about was he gave me this hopeless look and said i was asking him to guess since i would not agree to further testing.

after 10 days of antibiotics i still didn’t feel as well as i had a few weeks earlier but we all know this story isn’t going to have a storybook or fairytale ending.  today i was out for a couple of hours and that seems to be ok. the exhaustion is more pronounced than before, however, any time i am able to interact with loved ones i feel most grateful.

there is one thing i really want to address here and i know that some may not understand this but that is ok.  well actually there are two things:)

first i want to say that i am not afraid to die.  in times of weakness as well as times of strength i worry about my family.  chris says often that he does not know how he will carry on if i am not here.  of course i know that he will be fine and he has support from so many who love him.  i worry about my youngest sister.  i won’t say more about that here as i regard her privacy highly.  we all (bloggers) hold some things back as they are not for the public.  they may be someone else’s story that we feel is better left for them to tell.  as for me and death? we are old friends. we have come close over the years, we have even nodded at each other a few times.  we respect each other for what we are, our purpose.

second, if i can remember now what that second thing was??? oh yeah, i am an advocate for the right to die with dignity. i know some of you don’t agree with that and i respect your choice. i guess i would ask that you respect mine. i will make this decision when the time comes out of love for all those who are in my life.  the tricky part is making sure it is the right time. let me assure you i will err on the side of caution with this one.  i have made decisions that were life and death since i was too young to do so. the practice has not made me perfect but it has taught me not to act precipitously.  never pull that rip cord while still in the plane!

i have missed you my friends and look forward to talking to you more in the coming days, weeks and months.  keep looking forward but (i hate that word) don’t neglect the moment you are in at any given time.

we were both so deeply touched by the comments left for chris when he posted for me.  i want to thank you and tell you he was appreciative to those who reached out to him.  you made a difference.

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an update from chris

July 25, 2014 at 10:35 am (Uncategorized)

yesterday Sandra went out to do a few things.  when she returned home around one she had  a great difficulty getting out of the car and then in the house in walking.  she also experienced an uncontrolled shaking of her arms. she  experienced great weakness in her legs and choking feeling of not getting enough air. this was a new event,  during last evening she ran a high temp and was in a great deal of overall pain.  this morning after spending the night in the living room she awoke still in pain with a numb left foot.  she called dr s and we are going to see him at four.  I feel scared and helpless.

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william peace where are you?

July 21, 2014 at 2:17 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

early in the first stages of this blog I spoke about the right to die with dignity.  there had been a show on dr oz with terminally ill patients who wanted the right to die with dignity.  it roused real anger in my heart to hear some in the audience say things like just let them stop eating, drinking or taking their medication.

I wanted to scream at the t.v. and ask why should the ill have to suffer even more to end their suffering? William peace was in that audience and gave me a different perspective.

now I have passed the 6 year mark and I am so grateful for that gift. I am also not as sure as I once had been about the timing of such an ending. let me start by confessing I had a little meltdown the other night.  it was just this feeling that came over me and I felt myself just slipping away from this journey.

for a short time I sat in the living room with our cats.  then I felt like I was making a choice and if I wanted to stay, to hang on here I would need to connect with my love.  the thing that happened next made me realize how afraid I am for him.  there is absolutely no fear in death for me it is all about who is going to take care of him? who is going to help him navigate a world that is changing and he doesn’t understand what is happening.

clearly I would never ask him to be involved with my choice to leave on my own terms.  there are certain things I feel we have no right to ask of those we love.  to know that he will go on after I am gone makes a difference in the choices I make. it isn’t that I feel he can’t replace me or be happy without me.  as a matter of fact I am so hopeful it will be just the opposite. I hope for him to have many happy years with or without me.

does anyone know how to turn off this auto capitalization? I have never capitalized the I and so each time I see it happen it feels like I am being inauthentic somehow. being my last thoughts, feelings and words it important that they belong to me and are written in the form my comfortable to me.

bottom line I am learning that leaving is not as easy as I originally thought it would be.

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the dr says today and slipping away

July 19, 2014 at 3:16 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

today I had a regular follow-up appointment and that includes reviewing tests that were run in the hospital along with the results from the infusions.  I have been with the same dr. for the past 10 years. we have had a great understanding and respect for each other from the very first day. he respects the choices I am making and agrees with our decisions to no longer seek out treatment.  we talk about referrals and tests that would be run for further information but these tests would not offer any treatment that would lead to cure.

in February I was admitted to the hospital and thought I would be getting the blood transfusions I needed.  the drs. decided I was not a good candidate since the congestive heart failure would not allow me to process all the fluid.  the next morning I decided to leave and chris was in agreement. what neither of us knew, the night before when they did some scans and x-rays showed some things they wanted to talk to us about.  this would have meant spending the whole weekend in the hospital and just waiting til someone came in on the following Monday.

as soon as I came in the office one of the office workers who has come to be very friendly with me told me dr s is leaving to go back to the urgent care that he loves.  this is just his niche, he is an excellent diagnostician.  this will also give him time to spend with his 2, soon to be 3 granddaughters.  all I can do is be happy for him. he will be cut back to 3 days per week and no administrative responsibilities. I also know what this means to me. there is no other dr for me.  I knew I would not start over with a new one. when he walked in the door he said “someone already told you didn’t they?”  well yes but I want you to know that I am so happy for you.  I understand it and I am a perfect example of don’t wait to long. your career can never compare to your time with your family.

he tells me his plan.  says he has thought of me and how we can manage.  he is actually going to be a few miles closer to me now.  wellstar has a web site that allows dr and patient to email each other.  this way he can let me know what his schedule is and I can make sure he is in if I want to be seen.  he asks me how I am doing. well I think I may need an x-ray of my left hand as it has been a month since I slammed It twice in the door and it is still swollen and bruised.

x-ray check, next we talk about my level of pain that has increased and spread. I suspect I may have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue. he says he has suspected the same thing for months and that was one reason he called for me to come in.  next he goes over the scan and x-rays done while in the hospital in February.  the scarring on my liver is worse when compared to earlier scans, the vessels to the liver are much like varicose veins and we know how painful those can be.  the other part of this? my blood flow to my  liver, spleen and pancreas have been compromised.

more and more days I am not active and it is just almost too much to move from one room to another.  the amount of days I go out and have that 4 hours of activity are becoming fewer.

a couple of nights ago I simply had this feeling I was slipping away. it doesn’t worry me to die.  I actually have no fear of death.  it is how he will manage without me.  I even thought if I could go to be and feel my loves body next to mine I would remember how much he needs me and why I can’t go yet. on the more positive note I have a friend who seems to moving to a better life and I am so happy for her.  my sister may be getting the relationship she deserves and that is a high spot.

the truth is he will be ok without me. oh he may struggle with some basics and heather, Kristen and angie will take care of him until he is able to manage.  they will use the list of passwords to change bills from pay online to sending a bill so he can write a check.

after we left the dr here is what we were talking about-

would you like to go to château elan on august 6th?

why would you pick such a random day honey?

he turns to look at me and says well if you don’t remember it is our wedding anniversary.

of course I remember, I didn’t but my mind was on the news I received from the dr.

we speak for some time about this. we are making plans for august. we are making plans for October and our trip to the California coast.

some time passes and I tell him the rest of the information.  there isn’t much to say really. we go home and he lays with me for a nap, I sleep for several hours so he is up when I get up.  we watch one of our favorite Sherlock holmes then hear from my friend that she is locked out of her truck.

we drive up to help her out. after we come home we watch the rest of our show.  afterward he is ready for bed and asks what I am going to do.  I told him I am going to blog and I was surprised by his reaction.  for all this time he has encouraged me and never had one negative thing to say.

what he says next took me by surprise. so you don’t talk to me about what’s happening but you are going to blog about it?  when I tell you what was said we don’t really talk about it. he is just looking at me. honey I know how hard this is and there isn’t much to talk about is there? he says no and adds that now we have to decide if we should try to go to calfornia.  I reply no we make the plans and expect that it will work out for the best.  there is relief on his face and I can feel he needs to be lifted up.

fortunately I know how to make him feel better.  we will laugh and make plans for the future. I will remind him every day how much I love him and re-assure him that I am not going to leave him any time soon so don’t start looking for that replacement just yet:)

it breaks my heart to think that he is worrying about losing me.  I didn’t realize how close to the surface it is for him.  I will do all I can to bring him joy each and every day. he deserves that and so much more.  as my dr says no one expected me to make it this long and look at me, here I am still doing things  I love.  I will take every day and love him and our life with such gratitude.  I am blessed with family that loves and supports me.  I am blessed with friends who will be with me to the end.  there are so many other ways we are blessed that I am not going to try to list them all here.

I am not however feeling so blessed by this new auto capitalization on WordPress. if I wanted to capitalize I, I would do so on my own.  imagine me standing shaking my fist here:)

 

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